


Deprivation

by whatamessileave



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Newt and Hermann are in Uni, Newt is Bipolar, Newton works at an aquarium, Self-Harm, Suicide and suicidal tendencies are a thing, eventually explicit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 06:00:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5080423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatamessileave/pseuds/whatamessileave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newton works late and after hours at an Aquarium close to his University. He's at home there, and he's content, and occasionally he ends up meeting the most interesting people. This time around it's not the homeless man named Dave who never fails to ask to use the restroom after the aquarium is closed, but some perfect stranger. A perfect stranger with a too-big smile, dorky hair, and horrible timing. God help us all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Primer for the Small Weird Loves

Relief came with the chirp of a text alert at nine o’clock on a Friday in early September. His hours were getting later, and later. 

“Geiszler, could you lock up tonight?”

“Geizsler we need you to stay after close and clean this,”

“Geiszler, you don’t have a social life, anyways.” 

Tendo told him he had been plotting to drag some friend of his along to the aquarium sometime this week. He assumed it would be after hours—why would you not make use of such a perk as having a friend who works at an aquarium after hours—but it still felt pretty last minute and sudden. Not that Newt was complaining, because, honestly, he was bored out of his mind. Landing a job at the local aquarium was certainly one of the most amazing things to happen to the marine biologist, and it’s been a dream of a job to have while taking classes, but that doesn’t mean the novelty of having a dead silent, dark aquarium to yourself doesn’t wear off after a while. 

_Tendo: Hey so mind if me and my friend stop by?_

His ‘friend’. Well, crap. Until now, it hadn’t dawned on Newt that he might end up being the third wheel in one of Tendo Choi’s romantic escapades. He was genuinely tempted to say no, you know. Boredom can motivate a man to do ridiculous things, however. 

_Newt: Yeah sure, just text me when you get here.  
Tendo: Sweeeet. Can you give us a tour? ;D  
N: That’s gonna cost you.  
T: I’ll pay you with all my love and affection.  
N: Love and affection doesn’t pay my college tuition.   
T: Then you’re not trying hard enough.  
N: Just come over you fuck  
T: <3 _

Newt wasn’t sure what he expected when he opened the front door to let the two in. Tendo jumped him and pulled him into a tight, spine-straightening hug. That much, he expected. What he wasn’t counting out was the tall, slender man in a burgundy cardigan, looking about as awestruck as most first-timers to the aquarium look, gazing around the lobby. Tendo coughed, “Er, Newt, this is Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, Hermann this is my friend Newt.” Hermann shook Newt’s hand politely, and raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Newt?” 

“It’s a nickname, short for Newton,” Newt added a little too enthusiastically. 

“Oh.”

“Doctor, huh?”

“Aha, one day, hopefully.”

“Same here, man.” 

Before Hermann could add anything, Tendo gracefully interrupted, “As much as I love hearing about your impending doctorates, I believe I came here for an exclusive tour a la Newton Geiszler,” flourishing the word ‘exclusive’. Newt laughed nervously and tugged up his sleeve a little more as he unhooked a key from his belt. “Right this way!” he grinned as he practically skipped to the first part of the tour, opening some large double doors dramatically and warning them that they were about to enter the ‘Newton Geiszler Experience’ and there was no turning back as he held the door open for them and they walked inside. 

Newton appreciated how lost for words Hermann was about most of the exhibits, pausing, and taking in everything. As intimidating as Hermann seemed intellectually—and appearance-wise—he only had vague knowledge of any creature he’d see behind the thick acrylic. Newton therefore got to enjoy playing the expert. There were a few times he had to catch himself, about to flirt shamelessly with the taller man, only to chastise himself when he would remember that he was Tendo’s… date? He never did ask, only assumed. And why wouldn’t he assume that? To Newt, Hermann was only really gorgeous. He had this whole hot librarian thing going for him. God, the way the aquarium lighting highlighted every—Tendo elbowed his arm for the third time this evening, “Hey man, when do we get to the, uh,” he searched for a word he didn’t know, “that one room,” he settled. Newt gaped, mock-affronted with him.

“The Newton Geiszler Experience will not be rushed, man, but if you must know, it’s like the next room,” he sighed dramatically, a lopsided smile crinkling his eyes. This was always his favorite part of tours, and one of his favorite places in the entire establishment in general. Whistling, he began to open another set of doors. “Ah, Newt,” Tendo sighed as he pulled out a ringing phone from his pocket, “I’m sorry I’ve got to take this. It’s my girlfriend. I’ll hang behind; finish the Newton Geiszler Experience without me I’ll be right here. Sorry man,” he offered a sympathetic smile to Hermann as he walked off and answered his phone. “Girlfriend?” Newt muttered to himself gleefully. 

“Sorry, did you say something?” Hermann asked, hugging his arms around himself delicately, shuffling his feet for a moment. Newt swallowed down the knot in his throat. Unfortunately, now that the invisible barrier of ‘he might be dating my friend’ had been dispelled, Newton became several times more clumsy and dropped his keys as he stuttered a reply of, “what, no, I didn’t say anything.” 

When he finally managed to unlock the door, Newt spun around on the balls of his feet and leaned back against the door handles, a coy grin playing at his lips. “Now, I don’t mean to brag—or maybe I do—but you’re kinda going to absolutely love this, dude.” Hermann, starting to feel more comfortable being alone with Newt, folded his hands in front of him and picked absent mindedly at the lint on the sleeve of his cardigan.

“Am I?” he said rolling his eyes. Newt reached out one hand to Hermann, and the other gripped a handle. By some strange phenomena and/or cosmic intervention, Newt was able to read Hermann’s facial expression and body language enough to know that he had no idea what he was supposed to do. 

“Take my hand, man, I’m going Disney on you,” he laughed through his grin. Hermann shifted awkwardly, tugging his sleeves down further, and allowed himself to take Newton’s hand. Newton quickly pulled him into what looked like a room of pure blue expanse. Discretely, or at least as discretely as someone like Newt could be, he watched the way Hermann’s face lit up when he gazed at the overarching view of sea life and water all around him. Eventually his gaze made its way to his feet and he reflexively latched onto the shorter man’s arm when saw a school of fish swim past beneath his feet. 

“Ah, oh my God,” Hermann laughed, never removing his death grip on Newton’s tattooed arm. They strolled slowly through, Hermann watching everything mesmerized. This was the first time Newton had walked through this exhibit and not done the same. This time around he found it relatively impossible to peal his eyes off the man he had met all of an hour ago, now tangled around his arm and gaping at everything around him. When they approached the end, he almost wanted to complain and request that they go back through; he had been unfairly distracted by close proximity with some perfect stranger with a simultaneously geeky yet adorable undercut-bowl cut. “Okay, hah, this is pretty…” Hermann scanned the room once more before looking back at Newton unlocking the next door, “pretty amazing,” he breathed, half laughing. Newt dropped his keys once again; this time the complaint would be directed toward the largest smile he had seen in his lifetime.

“You’re ruining my life, man,” Newt huffed under his breath. 

“Sorry what?” Hermann said, still gazing around the room as Newt struggled to open some godforsaken doors once again. 

“This place is, uh, my life dude. This place is like my life,” he grinned as he managed to get them open. 

They stepped into the last room, and Newt bit his lip to stifle a grin when he realized Hermann had never let go of him.   
“Your hands are warm,” he giggled. Hermann’s eyes widened and he immediately slammed his hands down by his sides and turned an interesting shade of red.

“I’m so sorry, oh dear, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention, God,” he stuttered, gritting his teeth and averting his eyes. Suddenly Newt regretted be born with a mouth and vocal chords; ‘Your hands are warm’ wasn’t meant to translate to ‘let go of me I don’t like you holding my arm’ but it did and of course it did. Some things words can’t express, and body language is too subtle for people to really pick up on it. “Jesus Christ, why can’t he just read my mind,” was something Newt had found crossing his thoughts a lot recently. 

Hermann folded his arms around him again and rubbed his ankle with the heel of his other shoe, “I’m sorry we’ve,” he paused and gestured behind them, in the general direction of a long gone Tendo, “I’ve kept you so long. You probably have things you needed to do and you’re not getting paid overtime for any of this likely.” 

“Nah, it’s fine.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, man. My hours are pretty ridiculous. I’m use to this. If you, ah, don’t mind though, I have a sea lion I need to feed real quick before we head back.” And with that Hermann followed Newt to an area behind the enclosures. 

The sea lion, whose name was Betsy as informed by Newt, took to Hermann almost immediately. 

“Wanna feed her?” Newt offered, holding out a fish to him by its tail.

“No, no not really,” Hermann stepped away, forcing a smile.

“Ah, sorry, yeah. Shouldn’t have asked. Well, Betsy does seem to like you anyways,” he shrugged as he tossed the fish in. The sea lion was fixated on Hermann, barking at him cheerfully and only tearing her attention away from him long enough to let Newt feed her.

“You look so comfortable here.”

“Huh?” Newt tilted his head toward Hermann, a curious smile playing at his lips.

“Well, I mean, it’s like you belong here. Like it’s your niche; I don’t know if I’m explaining it right,” he said, running a hand through his hair, which was doing horrible things to Newt’s ability to perform basic tasks.

“Oh, haha, well, thanks. I do, um, I do feel really at home here.” 

Hermann gave Newt a tight lipped smile and looked back at where they had come from half-longingly; he shivered and tightened his arms around himself, tugging his cardigan closer. “Ah, right. We should get back.” Newt grunted as he stood to run and go wash his hands. They headed back briskly, bypassing the room that they spent most of their time in so as not to get distracted, and found Tendo waiting in the lobby, sitting on top of the front desk and tapping away at his phone. 

“My friends! How was the Newton Geiszler Experience?” he shouted, his voice echoing off the high ceilings. Hermann laughed uncomfortably at their insistence on using that title. 

“It was fine, Tendo,” Hermann said, pulling his sleeves down more and shoving his hands in his pockets, and all the while looking down at his shoes hiding a grin. 

“Good to hear, now,” Tendo yawned before continuing, “We need to get home because I don’t know about you gentlemen but I am damn tired. I’ll meet you by the car Herms.” Tendo hurried off, once again leaving the two scientists in uncomfortable silence. 

“So I guess,” Newt coughed,” Yeah, you’ve got to get home.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty exhausted.”

“Yeah, yeah totally,” Newt tugged at his rolled up sleeves and rubbed one of his boots into the lobby carpet incessantly, “Herms-ah, Hermann right?”

“Yes?”

“I was wondering if, maybe,” Newton cleared his throat again, “before you go, but like only if you want,” Wow this was taking longer to say than it normally does, “Could I maybe get, um, get your number?” Newt winced at the last part and squeezed his eyes shut before slowly opening one eye to see Hermann tapping away at his phone.

“Yeah sure, I just got a new phone so I don’t remember my number yet, so I—Newton, are you alright?” And for the first time in the past forty seconds, Newton remembered to breath.


	2. I sleep.  I dream.

The next night Hermann spends alone in his apartment, in his room. A phone conversation with his father back in Germany left a rather bitter taste in his mouth. Hermann had mustered the courage to finally tell his father of his intentions to request a sabbatical next semester in the spring, on account of his mental health. Of course, Hermann made sure to leave out the ‘mental health’ caveat. Regardless, that is to say, it did not go over well at all. He knew it wouldn’t, and his father practically disowned him on the spot. Hermann’s relationship with his family had disintegrated after his mother died. It was far from perfect or healthy before then, but somehow his mother being there had always softened the blows. 

So much had happened since then. There was so much he was just trying to forget—trying to ignore—lying in bed. The room looked gray in the nighttime lighting, and Hermann couldn’t manage to tear his eyes from the ceiling. Making the effort to look anywhere else around the room seemed to threaten to ruin the fragile calm he had culminated, and push him over some incorporeal edge. It felt like his window ledge was staring at him, he felt like he was suffocating; he always felt like his was suffocating these days. 

A whistle penetrated his thoughts, and his cellphone bathed the room in artificial light. He sighed; on the slight chance that it was Tendo, Hermann made the effort to grab and look at his phone. It wasn’t Tendo, but he didn’t put his phone back down either.

_N: Hey! It’s Newt! The cute guy from the Aquarium, Newton Geiszler.  
H: Oh, hello.  
N: Hey!   
N: You know, I was wondering. “Gottlieb”? Ist Deutsch?  
H: If you must know, yes I am from Germany. I would prefer you didn’t mock me, however.  
N: Whoa, no! I’m not mocking you. I’m from Berlin! I moved to the states when I first started college.   
H: Sind sie aus Deutschland?  
N: Yup! c(:   
H: Oh, well that’s interesting…  
H: Do you ever miss it?  
N: Well…  
N: I miss my dad and my uncle, and doing things with them like going to Oktoberfest. I miss camping there, and the quiet. But I love it here, too. Cali weather is so nice.  
H: It’s too hot.  
N: That’s why we have beaches and temperature controlled aquariums to work in all day.   
H: Point taken.  
N: Why’d you come to Cali if you liked Germany so much?  
H: I don’t know.  
N: What do you mean idk? Nobody immigrates for no reason dude lol.  
H: Perhaps I did. You don’t know.  
N: That’s why I’m asking.  
H: Well don’t.  
N: Hit a nerve?  
H: What do you think?  
N: I think…  
N: I really wish I was done with work now.  
H: You’re still at work??? It’s 11pm.  
N: Yeah well…  
N: I’m trying to feed Betsy, the sea lion from yesterday, (She misses you btw), but she’s been super finicky lately.  
N: I have to make an appointment with a vet and yadda yadda yadda  
H: Are you going to be okay?  
N: mmmyeah. I’m just bored out of my skull.  
H: What a travesty.   
N: Nah, I’ve got you to bother.  
H: Maybe I’m going to bed.  
N: Are you going to bed?  
H: …  
H: No.  
N: ;) ;) ;)  
H: Shut up.  
N: I didn’t say anything. I just emoji’d.  
H: Well stop emoji-ing.   
N: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
H: Gute Nacht, Mr. Geiszler._

Strangely enough, there was something calming about texting the tattooed, marine-life enthusiast. His thoughts had been narrowed, and quieted, and his heart felt a little bit lighter. He didn’t question it—didn’t dare to question it—and eventually managed to fall asleep. That night Hermann dreams of falling, but never hitting the ground. 

The next morning Hermann was able to get himself to the bathroom and shower. The water was freezing—lukewarm as time passed. The cold water bit as it pelted down on him; old and new scars alike seemed to ache and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to be patient. He was exhausted by the time he managed to get dressed—he had found an old, loose T-shirt and a pair of well-worn pajama pants. They were comfortable and didn’t cling to him or chafe. Afterwards, he even brought himself to change the sheets on his bed. That was his limit, however, because immediately after he collapsed onto the bed and curled into a ball under the covers. Hermann grabbed his phone and slowly dragged it down with him.

_N: ‘TIS A FINE MORNING NOT TO HAVE WORK!!  
N: What are you doing today?  
N: Probably sleeping in, right.   
N: It’s like 1pm now, what’s your excuse???  
N: What kind of music do you like anyways?  
N: Idk if asking that is weird, is that weird?  
N: I’m not going to tell you the number of tacos I just got from Jack-In-The-Box, but I just want you to know that if you never hear from me again, I died doing what I love.  
N: I’m alive, aren’t you glad?   
N: I should be hailed as a hero.  
N: or a cautionary tale._

Hermann could feel a smile pulling at his lips against his will; he bit his bottom lip and sighed, shaking his head, his damp hair ruffling against a pillow. 

_H: 1) I’m not doing anything today.  
2) My excuse for not texting back is that I don’t have my phone in my hands 24/7.  
3) I like a lot of music, but I haven’t listened to much of anything lately.  
4) I’m overjoyed you survived your binge eating of greasy tacos, and I think both.  
N: Herms!  
H: Hermann*  
N: Right sorry, but hey! Hi! Hello!   
N: Man, does that list come with a works cited?  
H: Would you prefer APA or MLA?  
N: Ahahaha, moving oooonnn..  
N: How are you?  
H: Fine.  
N: Riveting.  
H: How are you, then?  
N: Dividing my time between studying and watching Star Trek reruns on TV.  
H: So basically, you’re just watching Star Trek reruns on TV?  
N: Too true my man, too true.   
N: And I’m gonna need a better answer about what music you like.  
H: I couldn’t tell you… I haven’t thought about it in a while.   
H: I really like classical music, I suppose.  
N: Omg  
N: Really?  
H: Yes? What is it?  
N: Nothing, that’s cool.  
N: I like a bit of everything.  
H: Ah_

The conversation had slowed down, and Hermann closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his breathing. He hadn’t meant to, but after ten minutes he had begun to drift off. He jolted awake as his phone whistled, startling him.

_N: I don’t really know how to keep the conversation going but…  
N: I don’t really want to stop talking to you either._

He rubbed his eyes and read the texts over, and over, and each time they said the same thing. Each time they made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

_H: You need to study, anyways._

Hermann replied tersely, shoving his phone away from him and pushing his face into a pillow.

_N: Yeah, true…_

Slowly, turning to face his glowing phone, beckoning him to reply, Hermann pulled the blankets over him and wrapped his arms around himself. He forced himself to stop gaping at the device; of all the things he needed right now, this Newton Geiszler was not one. 

 

For the second time this day Hermann was jolted awake by the ringing of his phone. This time, a picture of Tendo and him from last Christmas lit up on the screen. Hermann glanced at their hideous holiday sweaters briefly before answering the call; rubbing his eyes, he groaned, “Yeah?”

“Hey it’s Tendo. Sorry I’m so late calling.”

“Oh? What time is it?” Hermann rolled over in his nest of blankets to check his alarm clock. 9:11pm. He briefly wonders why it’s always 9:11 when he checks the time.

“Nine-ish. What were you up to today?”

Hermann felt guilty, but was too tired and groggy to put up any sort of front.  
“I, um, I showered, and changed my bed sheets,” he tugged at his duvet absent-mindedly, “and I, well, slept.” There was a pause on Tendo’s end.

“Well, I suppose, that’s not half bad. Do you feel rested at all?”

“No, I just feel more tired.”

“Did you talk to your old man yet?”

“Yes,” Hermann sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face.

“How’d that go?”

“How do you think it went?”

“That bad?”

“Tendo.”

“Well, besides that, how are you?”

“My head feels heavy. Everything feels heavy. But I’m alive.”

“That’s good to hear,” Tendo laughed softly. 

“Can we hang up now, then?”

“I actually wanted to ask you something,” Hermann could hear Tendo clearing his throat before continuing, “What do you think of Newt?”

Hermann sat up in bed and glared at his phone in disbelief, “Excuse me?”

“What do you think of Newt, Herms? Do you like him? ‘Think he’s cute?”

“Why are you asking me this, Tendo?”

“Because I’m your best friend, and as your best friend you get to talk about these things with me. I’m entitled to know; it’s best friend code, man.”

“I… Tendo I don’t think I could… Um,” Hermann rubbed his eyes again and laid flat on his back with a sigh, “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Okay, I need you to answer as quickly as possible. Just instinct—the first thing that comes to mind when I ask you about Newton Geiszler, go!”

“Um, he has a cute butt,” Hermann blurted out, and immediately smacked his hand over his face, “Fuck wait, no, I…shit.” 

Tendo broke out into raucous laughter, “Oh, God, yes, that’s rich, man!”

“I’m tired Tendo, I, c’mon stop laughing.”

“Sorry, sorry, you’re right. You’re totally right, though, he does have a cute butt.”

Hermann quieted, and Tendo spoke again.

“But really, man, what do you think of Newt? I’m curious.”

Hermann pulled the duvet over his head, “he’s nice, I suppose, if a bit hyper.” 

“Yeah?” Tendo encouraged.

“Well he’s…humorous, and his tattoos are bit distracting. He has a nice smile and he appears to be fairly bright. I mean, I guess I like him. Tendo, I don’t know, I’d need to spend more time with him.”

“But you’re not totally opposed to spending more time with him?”

“No, I suppose I’m not.”

“Do you _want_ to spend more time with him?”

“I…Scheiße, if I say yes will you let me go back to sleep?”

“I would really prefer if you answered truthfully.”

“Yes, I might like to see him again,” Hermann growled, tightening his grip on his phone.

“Good because he wants you to stop by the aquarium tomorrow, and was too nervous to ask you himself. It’s kind of cute.”

“Really?” Hermann caught himself, “I’ll drop by after class, I guess.” 

“That’s cute. You’re cute.”

“Tendo, I really,”

“Say no more. Take care brother, alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks Tendo.”

“Night.” 

Hermann plugged his phone in to charge by his night stand, and left it out of view and reach. He fixed himself back under the covers. He settled a hand over his heart, and felt it trashing in his ribcage. Hermann grimaced and curled into himself. Tomorrow he was going to go see some tattooed marine-life fanatic he had met just Friday who ate what was probably an ungodly sum of fast-food tacos earlier this afternoon. He groaned and let himself be grateful that this was the dominant thought in his mind, rather than his horrible conversation with his father, or the crushing weight of nothing that wasn’t going to let him out of his bed in the morning without a fight. This night he dreams of standing on the wrong side of the glass at the aquarium. On the outside looking in, yet he wasn’t drowning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, texting is a big part of this fic. If you don't fancy that format, sorry but this is how I plan to do this fic. Also, I'm trying to do it so that each chapter title is a reference to a poem. Chapter 1 is just the poem "A Primer for Small Weird Loves" by Richard Siken, and this chapter title is from "Meanwhile" by Richard Siken. Fair warning: updates are irregular.


	3. Every Word a Fraud, Every Silence a Truth

_N: I don’t really know how to keep the conversation going but…_

_N: I don’t really want to stop talking to you either._

He didn’t. He wanted to talk to Hermann all day—all week—about anything and everything. He wanted to know who his favorite composer was, and wanted to tell him how cliché it was that he liked classical music because he looked like he liked classical music.

_H: You need to study, anyways._

Shut down, of course. Maybe he had annoyed Hermann beyond all repair, maybe he just wasn’t at all interested in him—maybe telling someone you just met that you ate a large amount of tacos is a horrible idea. 

_N: Yeah, true…_

For the next couple hours Newton Geiszler studies, finishes the homework he needs to finish, and occasionally takes a break to gape at the Star Trek reruns on television. After those few hours though, when his work is finished and the living room of his apartment dark except for the harsh lighting of the TV, his phone beckons to him from the coffee table. And, of course, he gives in.

_N: Heeeeyyyyooo_

_T: heya nooty whatcha want?_

_N: A millions dollars tbh_

_T: I’ll get right on that_

_N: Thanks babe u3u_

_N: B) But actually… there is something I want more than a millions dollars.._

_T: A life?_

_N: Um rude_

_N: No I want you to get Hermann to come by the aquarium again.._

_N: I know like… I should ask myself or whatever…_

_N: But idk… he makes me nervous._

_N: I know that’s ‘gross’ or whatever but will you just ask for me man?_

_T: OH SHIT I have to call him!!_

_T: Thanks for reminding me 1 sec_

_N: Wait why? Are you going to ask him to come or ???_

_N: Tendo_

_N: Tendoooooo…_

_N: Where art thou mistah Choi_

_N: What’s Hermann’s star sign?_

_N: Nvm forget I asked…_

_N: But if you know…_

_N: Teennnnddooo_

_T: Oh my god you desperate man_

_T: I just got off the phone with him jeez_

_N: Why did you have to call him? Did you ask if he’d stop by again?_

_T: Nah, I’m just his check-in person._

_N: …Why?_

_T: It’s complicated_

_N: Is he okay?_

_T: He’s alive._

_N: That’s … Good._

_N: Does it have anything to do with Germany?_

_T: Sorta.. his family is really fucking him over right now_

_N: Oh?_

_T: Why are you being so nosey man?_

_N: I just_

_N: Idk, I care I guess.._

_T: You met him just Friday._

_N: And he’s cute and likes classical music and wears socks with math theorems on them._

_T: You don’t even know if he’s into dudes._

_T: Newt?_

_N: TENDO_

_N: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

_N: PLEASE TELL ME HE’S INTO GUYS I MEAN YOU KNOW RIGHTD OES HE LIKE MEN_

_N: MAN I CCAN’T GET THIS WORKED UP OVER SOMEONE WHO CAN’T LIKE ME BACK THAT WAY YKNOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME_

_T: I’m not going to tell you :)_

_N: IS HE STRAIGHT TENDO??_

_T: I’m still not going to tell you_

_T: But I will tell you that he agreed to stop by the aquarium tomorrow_

_T: A visitor for you and your watery prison_

_N: DOES HE LIKE MEN_

_T: Ask him yourself_

_N: HOW DO YOU ASK SOMEONE THAT??_

_T: “hey man, just curious, what’s your sexual orientation?”_

_N: You are an evil little man_

_T: I’m taller than you_

_N: By an inch…and inch of pure evil._

The next day at work Newt frequented the lobby, scanning the doors and room to see if Hermann had come. The first ten times earned him nothing except spiteful glances from his coworkers. Just as he was retreating from his fourteenth probe of the lobby, he heard the voice of the girl working the front desk chime politely, “How can I help you, sir?” 

“Uh, yes, I’m looking for, um,” said a familiar voice, one that made Newt’s throat constrict, his palms feel clammy and his heart drum painfully against his chest. Taking a deep breath he spun around and made a beeline for Hermann.

“Hey! Hermann! Dude, over here!” Newt grabbed Hermann’s arm lightly and pulled him away from the front desk where his coworker scowled at him. 

He dragged them both to a door with “Employees Only” written in bright red across it. 

“We get to go the super-secret employee way, you’re welcome, I know, I’m pretty amazing. I’ll accept tips at the end.”   
Hermann rolled his eyes and huffed a small laugh. They made their way through the cramped room; Hermann cleared his throat to speak. 

“Er, so, how are you?” 

“I’m doing alright, actually. And that’s not even lying for the sake of casual small talk. What about you?”   
Hermann giggled, and Newt gave it his best effort not to trip over his feet, “I’m… I’ve been better,” Hermann said, trailing off, clearly not wanting to elaborate. 

“Ah. Well how were classes? You were at class or something right?” 

“Yes. Uh, classes are fine. School’s the only thing really constant for me right now, y’know. So it’s nice.”   
An awkward silence fell between them as Newt went to unlock the door that lead into another section of the aquarium. He unlocked the door and stepped through; holding the door open for Hermann, Newt fiddled with the handle for a moment and fixed his glasses. 

“I, uh, don’t mean to ask boring, uncomfortable, family-gathering kind of questions. But um… I’m really glad you stopped by today,” Newt offered his best smile and continued ahead, noting Hermann’s half smile and short nod. They reached Betsy’s enclosure soon enough, and Newt sighed as the vet approached him with a scowl across her face.

“Honestly I don’t know what’s bothering her, your sea lion. Perhaps she’s just decided to be finicky, or something else that I’m just not seeing,” she said as the three of them approached Betsy’s pool, “hopefully whatever it is I can catch on a blood test, I’ll give you a call when those are ready, until then there’s not much I can do that you couldn’t just handle yourself.”

Newt sighed and nodded thoughtfully as he crouched over the edge of the pool looking for the animal. Betsy burst out of the water, knocking Newt to the ground and climbing onto dry land; immediately she charged Hermann, making the vet screech and quickly put several meters between her and the sea lion. Hermann, on the other hand, did not flinch or even care to move at all. When the creature stopped directly in front of him and barked at him, he tilted his head questioningly. 

“What?” he asked plainly when she slapped his shin with her flipper and barked more. 

Newt struggled to stand up between his fits of laughter, “Oh my God, dude, that’s adorable,” He tore his eyes away briefly to grab a fish and jogged over to Hermann, handing it to him, “here, here dude try feeding her. Please.” Hermann’s protest was cut off by the animal’s barking and cheerful waddling into closer proximity with him. Hermann stood stiffly as he grabbed the fish delicately from Newt’s hands and dangled it a few inches from her muzzle. 

“Ah, here,” he cringed as Betsy gleefully snatched the fish from his hand. Newt ran back to grab more fish, and the vet stood by in a kind of shock at how Betsy seemed to eat just fine when it was either Newton or this other man feeding her. She scoffed and shook her head.

“I’ll still run the blood tests, just in case,” she gathered her things quickly and headed out without sparing them another glance, “Good day.” 

“Good day,” Newt said mockingly in a strange British- sounding accent after she was gone. “You want a second opinion from a vet with access to more equipment than you, and suddenly you’re the bad guy ‘cause God forbid they come out somewhere where they might get their shoes wet. Jeez.” Newt sighed and tossed the fish bucket off to the side. 

“Um,” Hermann said, smiling, but back stepping carefully away from Betsy. 

“Oh right.” Hermann watched as Newt lead the sea lion back to her pool. A grin painted itself across Hermann’s face—he couldn’t help it. Newt was talking to Betsy as if she were another person, bargaining with her to get her to go back into her enclosure faster, ensuring her that, “Hermann isn’t leaving anytime soon, okay,” and that “of course, I missed you, too, now hurry up.” Newt waved Hermann over and gestured for him to sit down on the edge of pool, and when he did Newt crossed his legs and laughed. 

“What?” Hermann asked, also crossing his legs, and hugging his arms around himself.

“That was great, thank you,” Newt beamed, “that was adorable.” 

Hermann looked away murmuring a “you’re welcome” and rubbing some hand sanitizer into his palms, wanting to kill as much of the fish smell as possible.   
“So,” Newt started. 

“Yes?” 

“How do you and Tendo know each other?” 

“Ah, long story. We met at school when I first came to the States and, well, he was my first friend here,” Hermann shrugged and picked at the fabric of is jeans, “What about you?”

Newt laughed and cracked his neck, “terrible drunk karaoke at a bar whose name I don’t even remember.”

“That so?” Hermann raised his eyebrows and shook his head, “Somehow I can see that.”

“You should have seen it, it was probably insanely glorious.”

“Truly, I’m reeling over having missed such an example of the apex of human experience.”

“Drunk karaoke is definitely the apex of the human experience.” 

“Of course,” Hermann said, laughing and unzipping his sweatshirt and pulling it off. He leaned back on his elbows and stretched his neck, looking up at the clear blue sky. It was sunny and warm today; autumn in California was like that. Newt watched as he heaved a sigh and what looked like years of stress washed off of him—Newt followed the line of the tendons in Hermann’s neck as his head lulled to the side and eyes closed reverently for a moment. 

Newt swallowed and twisted the skull ring on his little finger. 

“Alright?” was all he managed to choke out. 

Hermann hummed contentedly, “I’ve just been so tired lately, and too cold or too warm. I don’t know—this just feels just right.” He shrugged and brushed his fingers through his hair. 

Instead of the “I know what you mean” that wanted to escape from Newt’s mouth, Newt smiled and questioned, “Have you ever been to the pier?” 

“Mm mm,” he shook his head. 

“We should go some time,” Newt tried to keep his voice from shaking, “It’s always really nice, ‘cause it’s sunny and warm, but you’ve got the ocean and ocean spray right there. And it’s fun, of course, especially when they have some event going on.” Newt shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck, “I mean, if you wanted to.”  
Hermann sat up, pulling his sweatshirt off of the ground and in front of him, balling it up in his hands, “I might like that,” he replied, attempting to hold back a smile. 

“Yeah?” 

“No,” Hermann bit, sarcastically. “Of course I would like to,” he rolled his eyes at Newt, who pushed him playfully.   
Newt chewed at his lip—Hermann looked almost angelic, the sunlight bouncing off of his hair and his white t-shirt. He watched the way he could fold into himself to hide, and had only just begun to see what Hermann looked like when he chose to take up space, to unfold and be. He thought to himself, vaguely, caught in the deluge of emotions he knew better than to get worked up over, that he was important. Whatever happens, whatever doesn’t happen, Hermann Gottlieb is important. Call it destiny, or Newt’s overactive imagination, but he was drawn to Hermann; he had this kind of gravity and Newton was in orbit, and, God, he knew it was stupid of him. 

“Ah, Hermann?” Newt swallowed.

“Yes, Newton?” 

“I wanted to ask,” His leg shook involuntarily, “to ask you something.”

“Which would be?” Hermann giggled nervously; Newt’s anxious energy rubbed off on him—made his muscles pull tight again and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

“It was just, er, something I was curious about, I mean, uh,” Newt scratched the back of his head and shifted so he was facing Hermann, desperately trying to ignore his flushing face. 

Hermann knotted his hands together in his sweatshirt and swallowed. His heart sped up in a strange kind of anticipation. There was something he vaguely knew he wanted to hear, but couldn’t quite get his mind to put a voice to. Tentatively, he placed a hand on Newton’s bouncing leg to steady it and smiled at him. 

“Sag mir, Newton.”

Newton gulped, “A-are you gay?” 

It was in that moment that Newt knew what it felt like for planet to be knocked out of its planetary system. The cold that took the place of the warmth of Hermann’s hand on his leg when he pulled away made him shiver. Hermann pulled into himself again, this time quicker, like those slap bracelets he use to have as a kid that left a dull sting afterwards, but stuck. Hermann’s hands were balled up into tight, shaking fists, pressed against his thighs. 

“I’m sorry, I was just,” Newton stuttered, faltering under the paralyzing, bitter scowl Hermann offered him, “don’t…” he said, not louder than a whisper, an aborted plea for Hermann not to be cross, an aborted plea of “please just put your hand back on my knee and let’s talk about the pier again”. 

“I can’t… Just…” Hermann choked out, exasperated, then he shook his head and quickly stood up, throwing his sweatshirt on as he stormed away from Newton. 

“Wait, Herms, Please!” Newt began to chase after him, stopping dead in his tracks when Hermann spun around, eyes red, hands shaking, and chest heaving.

“Don’t fucking talk to me, just don’t fucking—GOD I am NOT…” he took a gasping breath, “It’s none of your goddamn business.” Hermann nearly ran back into the aquarium before Newt could even remember to breathe again. 

“I’m sorry,” Newt whispered, waiting a few moments before following after him to make sure he didn’t get lost. 

By the time Newt made it out to the lobby Hermann was long gone. He knew because the girl at the front desk who was just finishing her shift approached him with a half-satisfied grin on her face and said, “He looked pissed! The hell did you do?” 

“Nothing! No—I just—I didn’t mean to… I just … upset him,” Newt stammered, raking his hands through his hair in an attempt to calm down. 

“Ooh shocker,” she turned and handed a set of keys to the person taking over her shift, “Geiszler ‘upset’ someone, now can you believe that?” Newton flinched as her sarcasm was received with laughter from the other. 

“Fuck it, honestly, fuck it,” Newt thought as he walked back through the aquarium, and as far away from people as he could get. He avoided eye contact and kept his head down. Feeling heavy, like his heart was made of lead and it had fallen to his stomach, he collapsed back by Betsy’s pen. The worst part is never knowing, Newt thinks. He knows he upsets people, of course, and he knows that he hurts people. He knows that he says and does things that make people so livid and so bitter. But he never knows what it is, exactly. What did he say? Was it the way he said it? What did he do? Why does he always do this? How does he manage to keep hurting so many people, more specifically, how did he manage to loose Hermann before he even had him? 

It was midnight by the time Newt got home; his feet dragged as he entered his apartment, tossed his keys on the counter and then tossed himself on the couch. He sighed in relief as he undid his belt, unbuttoned his jeans, and unzipped his fly. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen, wondering what to do or write or say. He traced his fingers lightly down his tattoo-covered abdomen, and briefly considered slipping his hand further down. Newton threw his head back on the arm of the couch with a groan as he found he didn’t have the will for any of that after the day’s events. He settled for continuing to run his fingers across his colorful skin, eyes fluttering closed at the sensation. After several minutes, the biologist resolved to texting Tendo. 

_N: Straight._

_T: Scuse me?_

_N: He’s straight. But get this_

_N: Not only is he straight, he’s got some serious internalized homophobia or something going on_

_N: AND to top it all off he’s probably never going to speak to me again_

_T: I’m lost_

_T: Who we talkin bout?_

_N: Hermann! I asked him if he was gay and he just flipped on me. He was so upset.._

_N: He ran off… he probably couldn’t even stand to look at me anymore.._

_N: You know what the worst part is?_

_N: They day was so nice. I got him to laugh a lot._

_N: I can’t get that stupid laugh out of my head. I feel fucking sick._

_N: Why didn’t you just tell me, Tendo what the fuck is your damage?_

_T: Are we talking about the same Hermann? The same Hermann I introduced you to Friday night? Hermann Gottlieb Hermann?_

_N: YES_

_T: He’s pansexual._

_T: That dude is just as into dudes as you my man_

_T: He’s in the closet, sure, but..._

_N: What_

_T: I was literally trying to hook you two up when I left to answer my phone that night._

_N: How_

_T: Yep_

_N: When_

_T: Yea_

_N: Why_

_N: But.. he???_

_T: Has only ever gotten major shit from his family about it_

_T: He’s probably just not ready to come out yet .._

_N: You just outed him to me?_

_T: I know, my bad, it’s late, I’m tired, you’re sad, I’m trying to shed some light on the subject_

_T: For instance, he told me earlier when I called that he thinks you have a cute butt_

_N: Excuse me while I scream for a minute_

_N: Okay I’m back_

_N: You have to call him for me_

_N: you HAVE TO CALL HIM FOR ME AND TELL HIM I AM SO SORRY_

_N: PLEASE, I TEXTED HIM AND EVERYTHING AND HE DIDN’T EVEN LOOK AT IT PLEASE CALL HIM FOR ME JUST_

_N: ASK HIM TO GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE_

_N: please Tendo.._

_T: Lol fiiiine… 1 sec.._

_T: Newt he’s not answering._

_N: Uuuuhg whyyy_

_T: No Newt this is serious he’s not answering._

_T: Shit oh my God Newt I don’t have my car right now we have to get to his place right now_

_N: You’re serious?_

_T: FUCKING SERIOUSLY NEWT WHAT IF HE DID SOMETHING_

_N: Okay, yeah I’m coming_

Newt quickly fixed his clothes and grabbed his jacket and keys before rushing out the door. His heart drummed in his head, his skin raised with goose flesh; he felt cold but was sweating by the time he had finished sprinting down several flights of stairs and to his car. He drove to Tendo’s as safely as he could with the sharpness of panic rising in his throat—his death grip twisting around the steering wheel. He had completely forgotten to buckle up, only realizing it as he hopped out of his car and into the passenger seat to let Tendo take over. He looked like a mess; God, Tendo fucking Choi looked so goddamn scared. 

Tendo barely said a word, just drove with one hand and repeatedly called Hermann with the other, each time reaching only his voicemail. Newt shifted uneasily in his seat, “It’s past midnight, man, maybe he’s just asleep,” Newt gripped his seat belt with both hands and sat up straight as Tendo honked and swore impatiently at a driver ahead of them, “You don’t think he would really… he wouldn’t do anything, would he?” 

Tendo shook his head and stretched his fingers out on the steering wheel, after a few painfully quiet minutes, Tendo answered. 

“Only when it gets like this. Only when it gets real bad, and it’s been bad lately. You understand, don’t you?” Tendo glanced at Newt pleadingly, not entirely knowing how to explain further, not sure if it was his to explain. 

“Yeah,” Newt swallowed—his knuckles were white from clutching the seatbelt as Tendo turned in to an apartment complex, “Tendo, what if…”

“You don’t have to come in with me.”

“Yes,” Newt whimpered, “Yes, I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll probably make more sense later. Probably. Happy Thanksgiving.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how dedicated I will be to this project, it's more so just a little side hobby to unwind, but I do have an actual coherent story line, it just needs to be fleshed out and written. So this is me, writing it. Unfortunately this fanfiction does cover a lot of dark, potentially triggering topics, and ultimately my goal is to manage handling these topics without romanticizing them. If some of the things that get written about seem misrepresented, please feel welcome to leave a comment or contact me about it. I don't have a beta, and it's fic so I'm not doing EXTENSIVE research, but feedback about the content would be greatly appreciated.


End file.
